Personally, every december turns into a rush to find
gifts that surpass those of the previous year or a race to find an eclectic boutique where I can make a big shop for every loved one in my life. And every year, without fail, I find the hardest person to buy on my very long list of people I have what matters is that friend who doesn’t want to shut up about his vintage booty.
Look, I can sympathize. On the rare occasion that I receive a compliment on one of my spared sons, I receive a dopamine surge equivalent to five consecutive Juul hits. But I swear that owning pre-loved items gives us some kind of divine complex. For example, do you think your clogs are cooler than mine because someone most likely deceased owned them before? Do you think you have a a certain je ne sais quoi just because your sweater smells of mothballs and mine is from H&M? Are you morally superior because you rummaged through Crossroads’ trash cans to find that tattered ‘gem’ you wear, while I, an unreasonable consumer, clicked four buttons on Amazon? Well … yes, actually you are.
As the nation prepares to experience shipping delays worthy of the end of time and the IPCC can hardly convene not to mention developing a plan for delay global warming, maybe it’s time to set up a personal picket line on fast fashion gifts. Earth will thank you and you can feel morally superior forever rather than letting your sister claim all the glory after giving to the whole family reusable tea towels.